US Navy plagued by rash of submarine thefts by children

Barry Sierer

KING’S BAY, GEORGIA – Lance Corporal William Jenson was not surprised when he saw Noah Jones running and giggling down the pier towards the missile submarine USS South Carolina, even though Noah was only 5 years old. However, Jenson was surprised when several sailors on the South Carolina began screaming as the nuclear submarine began powering away from the pier and chasing a tug boat working at the highly classified submarine base.

The incident with the South Carolina is one of several incidents rumored to be happening in naval bases around the country. Submarine thefts by small children. Unidentified sources say that nuclear submarines have been abruptly leaving their docks all around the country and chasing small boats, fish, and seagulls, at very high speeds. All of these incidents reportedly occurred after “family weekends” were hosted at the bases, in which submarine crew members were permitted to let their children on board the ships to learn more about the Navy.

When questioned about these reports, Lieutenant Commander Mike Holder, the Public Affairs Officer for the Kings Bay Naval Base stated that he had no comment in regards to submarines being “stolen,” but stated that “at no time was the ship’s nuclear safety compromised.” When asked how a young child could board a nuclear submarine, and get it underway despite the presence of armed guards all over the base, Holder stated that “our security procedures are different for minors.”

According to Chief Petty Officer Roger Newland, whose son 6 year daughter Tanya allegedly “borrowed” the San Diego based USS New Orleans, “She’s not a bad kid, it’s not like she was shoplifting or something, she just likes to chase the seagulls, what do you expect?”