by Sam Weller
WASHINGTON – Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and a prominent member of the White House’s Coronavirus Task Force announced, today, a potentially stunning breakthrough in the fight against COVID-19. According to Fauci, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention has, since late February, been closely studying legendary musician and entertainer Gene Simmons, the tongue-wagging, blood-spitting, fire-spewing bassist of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inducted band, KISS. “While we want to be cautious about the CDC’s findings related to Mr. Simmons,” said Fauci, “there is good reason to be optimistic.”
KISS was founded in New York City in 1973 and is known for its outlandish stage show, elaborate costumes, and kabuki-style stage make-up. According to the Recording Industry Association of America, KISS is second only to the Beatles in gold album certifications. KISS presently has 30.
At the daily White House Coronavirus Task Force briefing on the pandemic, Fauci gave further details:
“Mr. Simmons, ‘the Demon’ in KISS, has, for the better part of 5 decades, rock and rolled all night and partied every day. He has loved it loud and he has licked it up. Along the way, he has been exposed to virtually every socially transmitted disease we know of—and some, perhaps—that have yet to even be discovered. Mr. Simmons’s immunity to these highly virulent strands led the CDC to inquire if he would undergo testing and observation. Gene readily agreed, and, for this, we are very grateful.”
Throughout the late 1970s and ‘80s, Gene Simmons was vocal about his sexual conquests; he said they numbered well into the thousands.
“Let’s put it this way,” said Simmons from his home in Los Angeles, “I have put my log in a lot of fireplaces. So, when the Center for Disease Control contacted me, I was instantly agreeable.”
Dr. Fauci said the results of the study on Simmons’s apparent immunity to highly contagious diseases are encouraging and could result in fast-tracking a vaccine. “Again,” said Fauci,” I want to be very cautious. I don’t want to shout this out loud just quite yet, but we are, I must say, pretty encouraged.”
At the afternoon White House Coronavirus Task Force Press Conference, President Donald Trump also weighed in. “I’ve known Gene for many years. In some ways, you could say I discovered him. He was on Celebrity Apprentice, you know. I think this Coronavirus discovery could lead to very big and great things for the U.S. and the world. And this will get the economy moving again. People should go right out and buy KISS albums as a way to say thanks to Gene.”
In an odd moment at the task force press conference, CBS White House correspondent Major Garrett asked the President if he had a favorite KISS song.
“Listen,” said the President, “I think you are a terrible reporter. Terrible. Fake News. But yes, I do, in fact have a favorite KISS song. It is ‘Let’s Put the X in Sex,’ from the unfairly criticized complication Smashes, Trashes and Hits. People hate that album like the Democrats hate me. But the lyrics to the song are phenomenal. Best lyrics ever, okay? I have recited them to Melania many times: ‘Baby, let’s put the X in sex/Love’s like a muscle and you make me wanna flex…’
Gene Simmons said the CDC tests and observations were now complete and he was hopeful that it would help the fight against the pandemic. “Now listen, Coronavirus is a very big word. Like ‘gymnasium.’ And President Trump and Dr. Fauci are very powerful and attractive men. When they call, it is a call to duty.”
The legion of KISS fans, oft-referred to as the “KISS ARMY,” have taken to internet KISS message boards in heavy numbers to discuss the possible connection of Gene Simmons and a Covid-19 vaccine.
“Dude,’ said Dean Walton, 53, of Detroit. “KISS rocks!”
Amanda Vickery, 51 of Terre Haute, Indiana added, “This news makes me want to flash my titties!”
Other KISS fans have offered a more conspiratorial view of the Simmons/Covid-19 connection.
In the 1978 cult classic, made for TV campy KISS movie, KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park, band co-founder Paul Stanley recites the line: “Gene’s Clean.”
Was this line of dialogue, as some fans are proffering, a veiled reference to Simmons’ apparent immunity to all disease?
“I think it is,” said Michael Brandvold, co-host and founder of the popular KISS podcast, Three Sides of the Coin. “Look, Gene might play the Demon in KISS, but we all know that he really is the God of Fuckin’ Thunder, okay? He has superpowers and KISS is going to save us all. Forget the Haters. We Won!”
At the close of today’s Coronavirus Task Force press conference, Dr. Anthony Fauci admitted the CDC was also looking at Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards for Covid-19 immunity.
Sam Weller is a two-time Bram Stoker Award-winning writer and the authorized biographer of author Ray Bradbury. Weller’s new collection of Gothic short stories, Dark Black, will be released this May. Weller is a professor in the English and Creative Writing Department at Columbia College Chicago. He can be found on Twitter @Sam__Weller