Among his other qualities, the president has a homing instinct for slapping nicknames on his perceived enemies, who include much of the world. Since most Democrats outgrew this habit during middle school, they seem to be at a loss to return the favor. In part that’s because Republicans themselves had already hit so many bull’s-eyes before the Trumpian autocracy muzzled them. Senator Lindsey Graham called the future president “crazy,” a “kook,” “unfit for office,” a “race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot.” His colleague Marco Rubio labeled Trump a “con-artist.” Rand Paul portrayed him as an “orange-faced windbag.” Ted Cruz described his fellow Republican as “utterly amoral,” a “pathological liar,” a “serial philanderer,” a “narcissist at a level I don’t think this country’s ever seen.” Although members of the president’s own party have co-opted these and other sobriquets, a few thousand options remain.
Democrats, repentant Republicans, independents and other sentient citizens should strive to make the new nicknames match their subject and be worthy of his status. After all, the commander in chief has been kind and charitable to everyone, not counting those he detests; refrained from maligning his opponents, unless he was insulting his friends; employed the most dignified language, except when he did not. We must remember that this leader has exalted the presidency, never using his office for his own benefit more than a few times daily; kept the peace by taking the country to the brink of war only twice, with North Korea and Iran; been fiscally responsible, raising the national debt by a paltry $1 trillion before the pandemic; combatted income inequality by offering well-deserved tax breaks to the needy 1%, who barely control 40% of the nation’s wealth; shown his compassion by separating a mere 2,500 infants and children from their parents at the border; demonstrated his foresight by disbanding just once the White House’s pandemic-response team before the coronavirus struck; refrained from having security forces attack unarmed protesters until his last year in office. So let the ringers befit the president, his words and his actions.
In order to help us find appropriate tags, I’ve prepared an alphabetical list followed by hints for usage. I’ve limited myself to the standard English total of twenty-six letters. Speakers of Khmer (Cambodian) will have fewer restraints with their alphabet of seventy-four characters.
A: Access Sleaze
B: Buck Never Stops Here
C: Corona Quack
D: Dumpty (with a nod to John Lithgow)
E: Enemy of the People
F: Fake President
G: Grabber
H: Humpty
I: I Don’t Take Any Responsibility at All
J: John McCain Was Not a War Hero
K: Kim’s Stooge
L: Liar-in-Chief, or 20,000 and Counting
M: Make Bigotry Safe Again (with a nod to Eugene Robinson)
N: Not Concerned at All
O: Orange Julius Caesar
P: Porn President
Q: Quid Pro
R: Russian Toady
S: Sharpie Weatherman
T: Two Corinthians Are Better than One
U: Unpresidented
V: Very Fine People on Both Sides
W: White House Rot (with a bow to David Ignatius)
X: X-Rated
Y: Your National Embarrassment
Z: Zero-Sum Prez
You should not feel restricted to the list. Since the president sticks one or two feet in his mouth daily, new naming opportunities will emerge. Nor should you feel limited to a single epithet at a given time. When Trump speculated that swallowing bleach might cure the coronavirus, he could have been tagged simultaneously as Corona Quack, Enemy of the People, Fake President, etc. As the 2020 elections approach, his distortions, falsehoods, deceptions, lies, clinkers, howlers, whoppers, errors, offenses, follies, blunders, failures, debacles, fiascos, depravities, crimes, calamities, disgraces, iniquities, outrages, atrocities, abominations and catastrophes will grow apace and the nicknames multiply, thick as summer flies or autumn leaves.