America's Most Critical Journal since 1999
We Didn’t Send Our Best People (We Sent Criminals And Rapists [Sorry {Not Sorry}]) One of the things my priest therapist did say, during our many sessions after the mass suicide of the Indians, which I thought was helpful actually, was that even though I, Ch... More »
On the verge of a nervous breakdown, Mr. Peanut opens up to G.W. Carver Dear Mr. Carver, You and I have come a long way since the turn of the 20th century, when you essentially hoisted me into the spotlight while at the Tuskegee Institute in Alabama. Your inte... More »
15 March 2107 New-New Amsterdam Federated States of the Americas Data archaeologists have had a breakthrough in researching the fall of the First American Republic, confirming that the alleged attempt to assassinate President Donald J. Trump, which precipitate... More »
What can be about 6 feet tall, weigh more than a Honda sedan and turn up in the news for a month or more? (Hint). Last known address was San Diego. (Next hint). Misnamed. (Third hint). Vegan. Fourth hint. (White) Guess again. It’s the Northern White Rhinoc... More »
When the Census Bureau reported earlier this year that the U.S. population had swollen to more than 327 million people, it likely didn’t surprise drivers fuming in traffic jams, airline passengers shuffling through security lines, or telephone callers waitin... More »
“Harmony has software that remembers birthdays and can quote Shakespeare. . . . Harmony is also equipped for intimate human-robot relations. Sex doll maker Realbotix, in its marketing materials, bills Harmony as ‘the perfect companion.’” —Ben Guarino... More »
We’re having a very special party in the Rose Garden. The date isn’t finally set just yet, but we’re reading applications now. Send us a letter telling us what you did in 200 words or less, and the President himself will decide if you qualify for a pre... More »
“Trump to meet KJU one-one-one with only interpreters. An unacceptable danger to US national security . . .NSC should have TRANSCRIPT of all interactions with brutal, nuclear armed dictator.”—Retired U.S. Army general Barry McCaffrey on Twitter, June 11 ... More »
People often ask me: “How could you stand to have been the begonia of the most hated man in the world?” But what did I know? I was young: all I thought about was growing the waxiest leaves, the plumpest petals. I won’t even claim I was following orde... More »
Met with the head of my national security team around 5AM, as per usual. Bailey prefers our meetings to take place while we’re in motion, so we circumnavigated the park as we did the daily threat assessment. We seem to largely still be in sync regarding prio... More »
The sculpture professor brought a vaginal speculum to the class but told the students that it was a piece made by a famous contemporary artist. The responses in the workshop were broad. “Despite its simplicity, it has rare staying power.” “The piece is i... More »
We’ve taken you to Europe, to South America, to Asia, Africa, Australia, and Antarctica, but now there’s a whole other world of possibilities opening by the end of this year. We’ll be representing Blue Origin, SpaceX and Virgin Galactic, the leading comp... More »