Kiss the Federal Government Goodbye

By Martin H. Levinson

Elon Musk and his merry band of muskrats are doing their best to trim excess fat from the US government by suggesting ways to fire federal employees. The problem is they’re being too conservative with their recommendations. Here’s what they should propose.

Outsource the Military

There are more than two million American military personnel lolling around the world, costing US taxpayers a huge chunk of change. That nut could be reduced by hiring mercenaries who could be employed, sans benefits, where needed. The British did this during the Revolutionary War, a conflict they lost because there were too many Redcoats and not enough Hessians. To save money, and win wars, let’s be smarter than the Brits and recruit our privates from the private sector!

Cancel the US Postal Service

When was the last time you, or anybody else, wrote a letter and mailed it? Thirty years ago, forty years ago? Nobody snail mails letters today, and packages are transported by FedEx and UPS for the most part. We don’t need a government postal service. The country needs mercenaries, which is a win-win proposition for post office employees, as they can retrain as grunts on the ground, which, by virtue of being letter carriers, they already are. The United States Postal Corp: Troops that deliver.

Dump the Department of Education

One thing Americans don’t need is the government telling them how to educate their children. That’s what TV, AI, and  social media are for. The fact is education is massively overrated. You don’t have to go to school to do well in life. You can be a successful influencer, reality TV show cast member, or an American president and never crack a book. What to do with those unemployed folks at the Education Department? Retrain them as mercenaries: “From the halls of America’s classrooms to the shores beyond our seas, we will fight our country’s battles, wherever there’s bureaucracy, first to fight with books and papers, and other symbolic stuff, we are proud to claim the title of US Educated Toughs.”

All Out for the Energy Department

The US Department of Energy manages the country’s energy policy and nuclear infrastructure. But energy doesn’t need to be managed, it needs to be harnessed. And work on nuclear infrastructure can be done by tech companies since atomic architecture, complex and powerful as it is, is just a branch of technology. What to do with out of work Energy employees? Retrain them as mercenaries, scientific superheroes not on the government dole.

Farewell Federal Snoops

Before the internet, AI, and social media, a case could be made for having the FBI, CIA, NSA and other federal agencies do governmental investigative work. This is no longer the case. Today anyone with a Google, ChatGPT, and Instagram account on their computer can investigate up the wazoo. This makes federal snoops redundant. What to do with these out-of-work dicks? You know the drill: train them as mercenaries and use them to make sure other US mercenaries are being loyal to the almighty dollar and not some foreign government.

Ditch Justice

“Justice is mine,” sayeth the Lord. If that’s so, the Department of Justice is superfluous, and likewise those who work for it. Law is the coin of the realm on earth and if you got lots of it you get verdicts in your favor. What to do with laid off Justice workers? Train them to be mercenaries. Justice warriors make the best soldiers.

Take a Hike Health and Human Services

Do we really need to pay government workers to tell us to eat balanced meals, exercise, get enough sleep, and socialize? Hell no. As to managing pandemics, this is a free country where no government official should tell anyone what to do. My body, my choice. If you have a problem with that stay home, mask up, and wear a hazmat suit. With regard to human services, the best human service that employees of the Department of Health and Human Services could provide would be to fold up shop and find work in the private sector, perhaps, let’s say it all it together, as mercenaries. The only thing that better than having former federal scolds serve as soldiers of fortune is listed below.

US, Inc.

Making the US a corporation, rather than it being a country, has several advantages. For one, there would be no federal workers to pay, only private sector employees who could be fired at will. Second, all the waste that comes with federal pork barrel projects and set-asides would be gone. There would be no money frittered away on foreign aid, no unfair taxing of the rich, no having to put up with politicians blathering on TV, social media, and in the press. Just a bottom-line business based on profits and shareholder dividends. What could be more American than that.