SENATOR J.D. VANCE (in response to The New York Times’ Lulu Garcia-Navarro asking him repeatedly if Donald Trump lost the 2020 election) –
SAID: “I am going to answer your question with another question. Is it okay that big tech companies censored the Hunter Biden Interview?”
THOUGHT: How much more of this crap am I going to have to come up with before this bitch stops asking me that question?

FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP (speaking at a campaign rally in Las Vegas, Nevada) –
SAID: “I say, what would happen if the boat sank from its weight, and you have this tremendously powerful battery, and the battery is now underwater and there’s a shark that’s approximately 10 yards over there? I’d take electrocution every single time. I’m not getting near the shark.”
THOUGHT: I hope I can stretch this stupid story out till I remember what the hell I’m really supposed to be talking about.

REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE (making an accusation against the government on social media) –
SAID: “Yes, they can control the weather. It’s ridiculous for anyone to lie and say it can’t be done.”
THOUGHT: Hey, if Trump can say all sorts of crazy shit, and people buy it, why can’t I?

FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP (when asked, at the Economic Club of New York, how he is going to handle child care) –
SAID: “But I think when you talk about the kind of numbers that I’m talking about, that – because, look, child care is child care. It’s – couldn’t – you know, it’s something – you have to have it. In this country, you have to have it.”
THOUGHT: I have no idea what I’m saying, but maybe they’ll be so confused, they’ll think it makes sense.

GOVERNOR RON DESANTIS (in an interview with NBC’s Dasha Burns) –
SAID: “…slaves developed skills that, in some instances, could be used for their personal benefit.”
THOUGHT: Christ, even I have a hard time swallowing this one.

FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP (at a Pennsylvania campaign rally) –
SAID: “I could be in a gorgeous beach somewhere in the world. The sun beaming down on this beautiful body in a bathing suit.”
THOUGHT: As long as I keep this jacket on, people might believe me.

REPRESENTATIVE LAUREN BOEBERT (speaking at a religious service) –
SAID: “I’m tired of this separation of church and state junk that’s not in the Constitution.”
THOUGHT: Alright, I know the idea is actually in there, but not in those exact words, so what the hell, these idiots don’t know any better and they’ll eat it up.

FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP (at a rally in Mason City, Iowa) –
SAID: “Think of it, magnets. Now all I know about magnets is this, give me a glass of water, let me drop it on the magnets, that’s the end of the magnets.”
THOUGHT: Even though this has nothing to do with anything, I think it makes me sound smart. Scientific.

SENATOR LINDSAY GRAHAM (when asked on CBS’s Face The Nation about Donald Trump’s comment, “You got to get out and vote. In four years, you don’t have to vote again. We’ll have it fixed so good you’re not going to have to vote.”) –
SAID: (prolonged gleeful laughter)
THOUGHT: Keep laughing till you think of how the hell you’re going to get out of this one.

FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP (speaking at a rally in South Carolina) –
SAID: “The windmills are driving them crazy. They’re driving the whales, I think, a little batty. The windmills are causing whales to die in numbers never seen before.”
THOUGHT: People seemed to like the shark story, so why not amuse them for a little while with whales till I can think of something important to say.