By Martin H. Levinson

JD Vance (JD stands for Just Delightful) believes it’s un-American to not have children. He thinks those who go the childfree route are a danger to society and threaten the vital importance of populating our grand and glorious nation with god-fearing little boys and girls who will grow up to be great big patriots. He contends barren women and females who opt not to have children are the worst sorts of people, childless cat ladies who sit on their sofas watching MSNBC, cooing and cackling at the cacophony and incoherence that has made America the most value-lacking, population-shrinking nation in the world.

Childless men, by not doing their duty to become dads, are also a problem. America’s greatest presidents, individuals such as John Tyler, William Henry Harrison, and Rutherford B. Hayes, fathered lots of children—Tyler 15, Harrison 10, Hayes 8. Forgettable chief executives like George Washington, James Madison, and Andrew Jackson sired none. Although the second group ranks far higher in history than the first group for the contributions its members made to the country, that does not negate the fact that group two was composed of anti-family losers who would have done the nation a terrific service by putting their energies into procreating rather than presiding.

JD Vance (JD stands for Just Dazzling) is ten thousand percent correct in cautioning men and women to concentrate on procreation not mindless contemplation. Contraception and the Pill have been the source of our nation’s foremost ill—the unwillingness to not devote your life to having tons of tots at your feet. The most important thing one can do for humanity, more important than developing a cure for cancer, discovering a practical way to reverse climate change, or devising a workable plan for peace in the Middle East, is to reproduce so human beings can continue to consume the limited resources extant on planet Earth. That’s what the good life is all about.

JD Vance (JD stands for Just Ducky) is the perfect spokesman for the natalist movement. Five years ago, at a conservative conference, he said, “We want babies not just because they are economically useful. We want more babies because children are good. And we believe children are good, because we are not sociopaths.” Right on JD (JD stands for Just Darling)! There are no bad children, like there are no bad dictators, bad news shows on FOX, bad Republican Supreme Court Justices, or bad insurrections who support Donald Trump. Those who think otherwise are clearly mentally ill.

Some say that Vance’s pro-natalist positions have been inspired by the right-wing’s great replacement theory, which favors native-born baby makers. Amen to that! Everyone knows the best babies are babies born by babes whose blood runs red, white, and blue—well, maybe not blue. Immigrant babies are not all bad, that would go against the idea that children are good, but they can’t compare to babies born of domestic stock. History shows no baby born to an immigrant has ever gone on to achieve anything.

Let’s not be babies about the value and importance of having babies. JD Vance (JD stands for Just Dreamy) has sounded an alarm we should all rally to. So, if you are not an immigrant, get up off the couch, find or meet your native-born partner, and get busy. The fate of the nation depends on it.