For One-Billion Non-Breeders Only: No Kidding Bill of Rights!

By David Comfort

We live in an age of equality and diversity. Why, then, are the childfree – an increasingly large and pissed-off demographic – still second-class citizens?

Think about it: what above all must a candidate do to become president of the United States?  Kiss the non-voters: babies.

A politician becomes leader of the free world for this, anybody else gets locked up.

Kidders are the strongest lobby in the country. Big Tech, Tobacco, and Oil only wish they had half the clout.

The time has come for Woke Child Conscientious Objectors (CCO’s) to even out years of inequality, and demand for their God-given rights. On behalf of DINKS (Double Income, No Kids), SINKS (Single Income, No Kids), and NINKS (No Income, No Kids):

Amendment I:

Congress shall make no law abridging CCO freedom of speech to complain and kvetch, especially about taxation without representation.

1. Uncle Sam shall no longer charge CCO’s for the education of OPK’s (Other People’s Kids). Alternatively, they should get obedience school vouchers for their dogs and Montessori for their cats.
2. In compensation for capping their deductions, the IRS shall issue every nonbreeding taxpayer coupons redeemable on Star Trek paraphernalia, Chuck E. Cheese twofers, and Disney World.
3. In recognition of their global cooling contribution for not reproducing, NASA shall give each CCO a buildable lot on the first inhabitable asteroid discovered by Space X SuperDad, Elon Musk.

Amendment II:

A well-regulated CCO squirt gun militia to defend against global Infant Invasion or Toddler Tyranny shall not be infringed. Nor shall it be subject to background checks or waiting periods on Target Super Soakers.

Amendment III:

To ensure that mature grown-ups not become POWs, no infantry shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any kidfree crib without security & cleaning deposit and written consent of the owner.

1. NoKidders reserve the right to take whatever measures are necessary to maintain their sanity during a house visit and occupation by parent “friends” and their Terrible Twos, including the weaponization of First Amendment words foreign to them: “NO.” “STOP.” “WE DON’T DO THAT IN OUR HOUSE.” Or: “FuuUUCKKK!”

Amendment IV:

Unreasonable toddler searches for and seizures of cookies, rubber duckies, or sex aids in the houses of cat ladies and vasectomites are strictly forbidden.

Amendment V:

No non-kidder who finger-wags, stink-eyes, or time-outs any kidder’s kid shall be compelled to be a witness against him or herself. Nor shall any be denied bail, subjected to double jeopardy by pro-lifers, or sentenced to community service as a Hermit the Frog or Miss Piggy.

Amendment VI:

Cruel and usual punishments by breeders and their broods will be outlawed:

1. Using a public dining table as a diapering station.
2. Pirating all toilet paper in restroom.
3. Not flushing.
4. Sherman tank strollers in department stores. Double strollers in elevators (unless cables are broken).
5. Half hour school crossings: if a kid can’t make it to the other side of the street in ten minutes, he gets stapled to a chicken, or becomes a hood ornament.

Amendment VII:

CCO citizens shall no longer be deprived of life, liberty, or pursuit of happiness – in short, of peace & quiet.

1. Sobbing, shrieking, screeching, squalling, balling, keening, caterwauling, howling, wailing (by child or parent) strictly prohibited in public: buses, trains, planes, malls, concert halls, movie theaters, and the outdoors, including deep space and black holes.
2. A kid noise curfew will be imposed on all residential neighborhoods – 6 p.m. to 6 p.m. Disturbers of the peace will receive tracheotomies.
3. All long-distance transportation of children will hitherto be accomplished by private minivan, station wagon train, on foot or all fours.
4. Infants and toddlers will be strictly forbidden from commercial aircraft, except the hijacked. Preteens and teens may be checked as baggage with no liability to carrier.