Questions about Love and Answers from an Expert

by Kara Panzer

Everything is going so great with my boyfriend of eight weeks, but for the last seven he’s been doing something that makes me feel pretty uncomfortable. After going to the gym one day, he came home, took off his smelly socks, glued googly eyes to both of them and cut off part of my hair extensions to add hair to one of them. I don’t mind that he used my hair extensions, but it bothers me that he keeps re-enacting all of our conversations in a weird voice with these socks on his hands. They also still smell pretty bad. How can I get him to stop?

Trouble in Sock Puppet Paradise

Dear Trouble in Sock Puppet Paradise,

First of all, I want to hold space for your frustration and validate that having someone re-enact all your conversations with smelly sock puppets would be challenging. In my experience relationship conflicts are solved in two ways: the person with the problem gets over it OR the couple breaks up. The third option is to live with this conflict for all eternity. I’m sorry that you didn’t know about your boyfriend’s puppetry practice from the onset of the relationship, but that doesn’t give you grounds to quash his art, smelly or otherwise. Make peace with the puppets, or move on to a less active marionettist.

Everything is going so great with my wife of forty years, but lately she’s picked up a new habit that’s been bothering me. She insists that we need airflow in our cabin, and opens windows on either end to allow it to circulate. There’s only one problem: we live in Siberia and it’s very cold. I’ve lost three fingers to frostbite already. How can I get her to stop?

Seven Cold Fingers

Dear Seven Cold Fingers, 

I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties with your wife. Have you tried communicating more clearly to her? Use “I” statements to express how losing three fingers to air circulation has impacted your quality of life. Support her need for air circulation by buying a fan. Consult your insurance provider’s website for couples counseling providers. Many couples find that seeing a counselor helps hasten their decision to divorce.  

I’m looking for guidance on my relationship with my father. My whole life he’s made weird comments about my looks and body, but lately he’s stopped. Is it because I’m over 40?

Ivanka Trump

Hi Ivanka: Yes. 

It’s me again (Seven Cold Fingers). Your response didn’t hold enough space for my emotions. Can I have a do-over?

Seven Cold Fingers Now With Frostnip on My Nose

Dear Seven Cold Fingers Now With Frostnip on My Nose,

Divorce.

Everything is going great with my girlfriend, but lately she’s discovered online humor outlets and won’t stop writing submissions to them. The other day I got down on one knee to propose and she said “OMG how funny would it be if you proposed and I said no? I need to write this down.” How can I get her to stop writing short conceptual humor and ruining our lives?

Bystander Boyfriend

Dear Bystander Boyfriend, 

I’m sorry to hear about this. Unfortunately there is no known treatment for writing short conceptual humor. 

It’s me again, again. I really don’t feel like you’re listening to my question. I DO NOT WANT TO DIVORCE MY WIFE. I want her to shut the windows and be happy about it. I want to keep my remaining fingers (my nose has already succumbed) and my relationship. What is your advice for that scenario?  

Seven Cold Fingers and No More Nose

Dear Seven Cold Fingers and No More Nose

You can’t have both. You have to pick: your wife or your fingers. Which will it be?

I’ve got an update! I decided to make peace with my boyfriend’s puppetry practice, but lately he’s been acting out us breaking up in puppet form. I don’t mind that he’s portraying me crying for laughs, but he mimics my crying voice in a way that is hurtful and inaccurate. How can I get him to stop?

Trouble in Sock Puppet Paradise II 

Dear Trouble in Sock Puppet Paradise II,

There are few certainties in life: death, taxes and that the people we will love will inevitably do things we don’t love, like taking up puppetry or developing a late in life commitment to the short humor form. What matters is the core of this relationship, if there is a spirit of care and mutuality, that will enable you to weather life’s challenges together. It sounds like you don’t have that here. I would tell you to break up, but I don’t know the unique combination of life experience and childhood trauma that has led you to the point where you are trying to make things work with a man who is openly mocking you on a daily basis. Have you considered couples counseling? 

I’m not going to choose. I want both. I want my remaining extremities to remain attached and to continue my attachment to my wife. 

Seven Fingers, Eight Toes, and No Nose in Siberia

Every minute you delay a decision, you are actually making a different one. 

No, I’m not. 

Yes, you are.

No. 

Yes.

No.  

How many fingers do you have left?

Enough.

Enough for what?

To flip you off for your shitty advice!

Okay, next question. 

Puppetry is my life. How can I make my girlfriend understand my experimental art?

Jim Henson 

Fuck all of you, I quit.