We’ve all been in that position from time to time.  I know I have.  And usually (almost always, actually) I regretted my impulsive verbal assaults (especially, “You’re either totally uninformed or a goddamn idiot!”).  Learn from my mistakes.  Imprudent retorts – especially expletive-filled ones – will only serve to alienate.  And take it from me, there are times when it is to your utter disadvantage to, vernacularly speaking, piss someone off.

Like the cleaner who shrunk your shirt at least one-and-a-half sizes.  To keep the collar buttoned would require hospital insertion of a breathing tube.  When the cleaner tells you that the problem is the shirt’s inferior fabric, as much as you’re tempted, don’t come back with, “No, it’s your (possible expletive) inferior cleaning!”  That will only serve to not just get him burning with a hot rage, but possibly have him get any other garments you may currently have there burning with a hot iron.

Then there’s the plumber who you called to unclog your toilet bowl after you flushed and everything (that’s right, everything) backed up and flowed onto the floor.  When he tells you that you are possibly the problem, you probably use too much toilet paper, don’t hit him with, “No, I don’t, that’s total bullshit!”  Or he’ll most likely hit you with a bill whose total really is bullshit.

And we’ve all (many of us, anyway…well, me, definitely) encountered the maitre d who brings you to the worst table in the restaurant even though there are many better tables available…and when you ask him why you can’t have one of those tables, he tells you that they’re reserved, and you tell him that you have a reservation, and then he proceeds to make up some ridiculous response that makes no sense, and you want to tell him to take his shitty table and stick it up his derriere.  Don’t!  You’ll just wind up leaving the restaurant and having a hamburger and french fries in a diner or a fast food joint, at a table that will be even shittier.

Oh yes, the know-it-all supervisor who actually knows nothing-at-all.  You’ve been putting up with his verbal diarrhea for years.  Did you know this?  Did you know that?  Usually you smile, say “Hmmm” and nod your head, just to shut him up.  But his recent pontificating on personal issues – increasingly, your personal issues – raises your hackles higher and higher each day…till you’re finally pushed over the edge and about to tell him to “Shut the #!@*% up!  You don’t know what you’re talking about!”  Well, unless you have another job lined up, a better paying one, in this instance you would do well to shut the #!@*% up yourself. 

Let’s not forget about that self-proclaimed political pundit and conspiracy theorist relative of yours who won’t keep his mouth shut at family gatherings.  As tempted as you may be, don’t call him a goddamn uninformed idiot…the fact is, most of the people listening to him already know he’s a goddamn uninformed idiot.  If you want to piss him off without creating a scene, just tune the TV to MSNBC.    

Finally, most important of all, don’t even think about verbally assaulting the guy who beats you out for that parking space…especially if he’s driving a pickup truck with a bumper sticker that reads I ❤️ MY ROTTIE.