by MICHAEL J. MANGANO

Since U.S. pharmaceutical companies have recently been plagued by rising R&D, advertising and administrative costs, as well as shrinking profits from sales to foreign markets, – not to mention the President’s recent declaration to rein in drug costs – if ever there was a time to expand the market by thinking “outside the box,” as they say, and developing innovative new drugs that appeal to previously untapped groups, that time is now.  That being the case, who knows what totally unexpected ideas these geniuses could possibly come up with?

Encouraged by the success of Viagra, drug manufacturers may very likely be contemplating tapping further into the erectile dysfunction market by developing an erection inhibitor for that libidinous segment of the male population that has trouble sustaining flaccidity.

A topical bacterial for inducing acne may be in the offing, since more and more middle-aged women (as well as some men) will go to practically any lengths to appear younger. (A secondary marketing effort for this product could be under way aimed at actors portraying villains.)

Also under investigation may be a histamine, which, as opposed to an antihistamine that inhibits teary eyes, would actually encourage teary eyes.  The hope would be to appeal to those who have to attend funerals of individuals they never really liked, as well as employees seeking salary increases through hard-luck stories, and college students begging teachers to put off tests due to sudden misfortunes.

Then there’s the potential for the development of a pill that actually decreases memory. Those who could benefit from this concept might include such individuals as Stormy Daniels as well as every other woman who has memories of, as Stormy said, “Trump chasing me around the bedroom in his tighty-whities…it isn’t something that you ever forget.”

A minoxidil line extension is a distinct possibility  This new product, as opposed to its predecessor, would actually suppress the growth of hair…particularly on men’s backs, shoulders, wherever.  Middle Eastern bouncers and bodyguards are a potential market, as well as Hollywood actors who are sick of waxings. 

After the success of the nicotine patch, drug companies have used the transdermal delivery system to address everything from motion sickness to even angina.  Stretching the imagination, it wouldn’t be very far-fetched to consider adapting this device to deliver modified endorphins in order to create a variety of pleasure sensations, including even the unique feeling of sexual pleasure – which would be especially useful, for example, to frustrated online dating users who haven’t gotten a date (as well as many frustrated online dating users who have).*

In the always-popular birth control area, a companion to the “morning-after” pill seems very likely:  for example, the “afternoon-after” pill, for women who would like to sleep a little later after sex on weekends. 

Highly controversial but nevertheless promising would be a reverse aggression- control medication.  This drug would be an aggression promoter, designed to, when need be, turn a Regular Joe Biden into a Mean Joe Greene…or even a step further, into a Marjorie Taylor Greene.

*It should be additionally noted that this drug, if achievable, would seem to have unusually enormous potential, since its market would include every post-pubertal person in the world, with the possible exception of porn industry performers on workdays.