by God

(David Comfort, Secretary)

Since the Almighty knew that a good man is hard to find and that many are called but few chosen, He created the following document, but His son declined to use it, fearing it might discourage well-intentioned Salvation volunteers…

1. Would you have a problem:

• Working closely with demoniacs, lepers, and/or working women?
• Getting stoned by Pharisees, and forgoing a Workers’ Comp claim?
• Later, for your trouble, getting racked, beheaded, sawed in half, or crucified — upside down?

2. How do you feel about Medicare for all and raising the dead?

• Long past due?
• Only for Jews?
• OK, except for hypochondriacs

3. Should your employer get involved with a hooker he exorcised (but with the same name as his mother) — would you:

• Urge him to break it off and date a virgin, if not somebody never possessed?
• Wonder what she’s got that you don’t?
• At least thank God he’s not gay?

4. If your boss makes wine from water and five-thousand fishes from one, will you:

• Suggest he get a Food Service license, lest Little Caesars sue?
• Suggest he get a Liquor license, lest Mogen David file an Unfair Practices claim?
• Suggest he apply for NonProfit LLC status?

5. If your employer walks on water during a storm, will you:

• Stay in the zodiac with your life preserver?
• Wonder if he has dosed you with mushrooms?
• Change into your trunks and give it a shot yourself?

6. If you see your Lord levitate, transfigure into light, and chat with God and Moses on a mountaintop, will you:

• Add your 2¢ to the conversation?
• Put on your Ray-Bans, and keep your mouth shut like he tells you?
• Double up on your meds and try to get more rest?

7. If, after your boss drives Goldman Sachs from the National Cathedral with a whip, and you are accosted by the SEC in the National Gardens after midnight, will you:

• Lawyer up?
• Turn the other cheek?
• Say you’re a friend of Jamie Dimon, the high priest.
• Slice off his deputy’s ear with your sword, then split?

8. If you are offered 30 pieces of silver to rat out your messiah, will you:

• Demand 60 minimum, monthly, and an NDA?
• Say you only accept Bitcoin, or GoFundMe donations?
• Take the 30, reconsider, refund the 30, then hang yourself?

9. If your employer is on the Cross — in loincloth, crown of thorns, under an INRI—and guards ask if he’s your boss, will you:

• Say, “Verily!” then send him up Lifesavers?
• Plead the Fifth?
• Before the cock crows, say 3X: “Who?”

10. After your employer’s hypothetical crucifixion, will you:

• Lay low, so you won’t become a scarecrow yourself?
• File a Wrongful Death suit or try to collect his life insurance from Prudential?
• Start delivering Watchtowers immediately, at least outside the country?

11. If, after your boss is RIP buried, you run into him, in the flesh, on the Road to Emmaus, will you:

• Say Hallelujah, Emmanuel, or Jesus H!?
• Wonder if he pulled a fast one on Pharisees and Romans?
• Demand to touch the wounds lest you be committed?

12. Finally, how do you feel about cannibalism and blood drinking?

• Opposed unless USDA cleared?
• OK on Halloween, or with Gray Goose and Tabasco?
• No problem, if the only other option is broccoli and V8.

*Copyright © 2022 by David Comfort
All Rights Reserved