By Dan Geddes

21 November 2015

NEW YORK – Fox News issued a statement today proclaiming that “yellow journalism is now a thing of the past.”

Wikipedia defines yellow journalism as “a type of journalism that presents little or no legitimate well-researched news and instead uses eye-catching headlines to sell more newspapers. Techniques may include exaggerations of news events, scandal-mongering, or sensationalism.”

FOX’s statement read: “The American media, especially Fox News, has achieved fair and balanced reporting. Long gone are the days of William Randolph Hearst when the yellow journalists could whip up war frenzy among the American people on fabricated evidence for their personal profit.”

“Here at Fox News, we call for war only when the Pentagon says it is necessary and justified.”

FOX spokesperson Hannah Black stated: “Even when we strongly believe that war is necessary, for example war against Russia to save the freedom-loving government of the Ukraine, we always wait for the green light from DOD. Or CIA.”

“As much as I think we should attack China right now to stop those Communists from displacing us as the sole superpower, I would never abuse my influential position in the media to do so. I always stay objective, just like I was taught in journalism school,” concluded Black.

Wolf Blitzer of CNN agreed. “We report objectively on defense issues from the very bowels of the Pentagon press pool. We would never take it upon ourselves to beat the drums of war. We in the media do what we are told.”

See also: Newspaper Delays Story to Verify Pentagon Report