By Chris T. Hackett

28 August 2016

Last month at a secret hacker conference, known only “Future Cons,” a stunning announcement was made. Hackers released a smart phone app that exposes the secret agents working for America’s intelligence organizations.

Called “Find My Spy”, the app is designed to find any currently employed agent by name or location. The app has already gone viral and has been downloaded over 3 million times already in fifty seven countries so far.

The NSA and the CIA have made a rare joint announcement that the app is bogus and poses no danger to the secure data in their organizations.

However, a leading British security analyst, George Smiley, stated, “’Find My Spy’ seems to work very well.  I discovered that many colleagues of mine were in bed with these organizations. There were red faces all around, I’m afraid. The app gives as much data as you want to find out, like how much was paid to an individual and when as well as what for. It will give you the agent’s recent photo, their name and address as well as contact information. It appears to be the agent’s whole dossier in searchable database form straight from the agencies secure servers. How anyone can do this is still a mystery but we are confident we can shut it down.”

The secret hacker conference, “Future Cons”, was held in a “black cloud” on the Internet by invitation only. The hacker group called “Anal-Eyes” called this the beginning of the end for James Bond.

An “Anal-Eyes” spokesperson claims: “We have had enough of the American government playing dirty tricks on us and the rest of the world. Their shenanigans are coming to a stop now. We feel that ordinary people have come to realize that the leading character in popular spy movies for the last fifty years is based on a false premise: a liar, a thief and a murderer condoned by a governmental agency is flat out wrong and must be stopped. No one is above the law. Therefore we intend to offer to our fellow hackers in other countries the method used to infiltrate and expose American spies.  It is hoped that Britain’s James Bonds will also be exposed shortly.”

A Google search for “Find my Spy” shows that the download site was mirrored in the dark internet worldwide and is virtually impossible to block. Take down orders have been streaming to all ISPs and a US government spokesperson has stated: “Anyone caught downloading or using this app will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

A top security analyst, on condition of anonymity, has told this reporter that if the hackers’ claims are true then this could be a spy’s worst nightmare.

A Russian hacker group, loosely translated, “Puttin’ it to Putin” has claimed to have used the same technique to develop their own version called “Whack-a-Mole” and a Google search for it has shown that it is available in three languages as well.

A top Israeli security adviser, Ariel Bon-Hed, has mocked the app stating “It won’t work here. Spies are everywhere in Israel and we don’t care. But as a security precaution we have offered protection to our trusted American advisers.”

The Drudge Report has been filled with incidents of verbal and physical attacks on alleged spies all over the world. In response Matt Drudge has created a separate column on the website called “Grudge Report” and submissions are said to be in the thousands.

The Washington Chronicle reported that when Julian Assange of Wikileaks was told of the app he laughed for a good ten minutes before saying, “Good! The Internet has shifted the power of secrecy to the power of transparency and we will all benefit from knowing who does evil things in the name of their government. The next step should be the revealing of their current plots in their entirety so that peaceful people can offer resistance or deterrence.”

The Ecuadorian government reported that a cook in the London Embassy has been exposed as a CIA agent and fired. It is expected Mr. Assange will now recover from the odd health ailments which have recently plagued him.

The Italian government was outraged at how little the American spooks who were convicted in absentia in their country were paid. “We would have paid more just to stop them from their criminal acts,” commented Italian Ambassador, Noah Logica.

The Greek government announced relief at discovering that an American spy had shifted the decimal point in its budget figures. The correction has caused the financial crisis to be over and there are bonfires in every Greek city celebrating the miraculous recovery. Thirty three Americans were, unfortunately, burned to death in the fires and the US Embassy is protesting lack of protection from Greek authorities. The Athens chief of police, Yank Egohomeopolis, stated, “When you play with fire, sometimes you get burnt. We did everything possible to get out of the way, I mean, get them out of the way.”

The anti-spy backlash has spread to the entertainment business. Matt Damon announced a new Bourne Identity comedy series called “Spy Fighters.” The original premise is reversed with Jason chasing spies all over the world and water ballooning them or, for special effect, using a cream pie attack.  The BBC announced a new Reality series hosted by Sir Sean Connery called, “My Favorite Spy”. Finally a top hit for country western star, Travis “T”, called “Your Spyin’ Eyes”, has made its way up the charts in record time.

It is too early to tell if spies will join pirates, cowboy outlaws and other miscreants into the dust bin of history, but this reporter has his hopes. Good bye 007 and good riddance!