By Martin H. Levinson

Commenting on the January 2021 Capitol break-in, Georgia Representative Andrew Clyde (R) said, “If you didn’t know the TV footage was a video from January 6th, you would actually think it was a normal tourist visit.” He was widely mocked for that remark but he shouldn’t have been. He should have been praised for introducing the public to “Breaking and Entering Tourism,” a type of travel for adventurous sightseers where you not only get to see famous buildings; you get to uniquely interact with what’s inside them. Here’s how this kind of vacationing could work.

Pushing into Parliament

The British Parliament is housed in the Palace of Westminster, an iconic London landmark dating back to the 11^th century. Tickets are sold during the day to see the place. But if you smash a window at the rear of the residence and climb through it, you can skip buying a ticket and the wait on line that often precedes such a purchase.

Once in the palace, head straight to the Parliament floor, grab the speaker’s mace, and launch into a diatribe against the European Union and the importance of Brexit. The Tories will love you for it and the Labor Party has hardly any members so any booing from them will be drowned out by the opposition. When you finish your speech, go to the office of one of the lawmakers, sit in their chair, light up a cigar, plant your feet on the desk, and take a selfie. Then filch a laptop or two, bear-spray any bobbies blocking your departure, and beat it back to the street. Next stop, crashing your way into the Tower of London to see the Crown Jewels.

Leaping inside the Louvre

The Louvre is the world’s largest art museum and a historic monument in Paris, France. It is best known for being the home of the Mona Lisa, a half-length portrait painting by a famous Italian artist whose name I never heard of but a guy who is very well thought of by the culturati. Lots of people want to see this painting but to do so you have to obtain a ticket to enter the museum—but not if you bust into the museum at two in the morning. If you do that, except for a few guards who will probably be asleep, you will have the place to yourself and not only be able to see the Mona Lisa, you will be able to see a Greek statue of a naked, armless woman that everyone raves about called the Venus de Milo, works by Michelangelo (I’m talking about the artist not the pizza joint), and lots of other cool stuff that you can google before breaking into the Louvre.

When you finish looking at the art, make some of your own by writing graffiti on the gallery walls about how great America is and how France should be appreciative for all the aid we gave them during the French Revolution.  FYI: If you get hungry, there are plenty of places to eat in the Louvre. Just crowbar your way into one of them and grab a croissant and a coffee. Unfortunately, if you want anything cooked you’ll have to do it yourself.

Undulating into the UN

The United Nations headquarters in New York City holds the seats of the principal organs of the UN, including the General Assembly and the Security Council. Here, representatives from countries all over the world come together to party, eat out at fancy restaurants, and undercut US foreign policy. The UN is home to a hideous den of thieves but the architecture’s not bad and if you are traveling to the Big Apple it is well worth seeing, and messing up. The easiest way to accomplish both those goals is to tunnel into the building in the dead of night armed with a machete and a blowtorch.

First stop should be the office of the Secretary-General, a bizarro job title given to a person who has more status than a secretary but doesn’t really command anything. When you’re finished demolishing the place, check out the room where the General Assembly meets and see if you can do a number there (the number I would choose is 193, because that’s how many countries there are in the UN). If you get bored, take a break and text pictures of the damage you are causing to your friends and post them on Facebook so everyone can see your disdain for diplomats. Alternatively, go the Security Council Room and issue a resolution condemning the 2020 US presidential election as rigged and demand sanctions be placed on Joe Biden and his family.

The simplest way to leave is the way you came in and as you exit make sure to defecate on the floor somewhere. That’s what the B & E tourists did at the US Capitol on January 6^th to register their anger at Congress and because shit happens. They set the precedent and if anyone complains about what you’re doing just say there’s plenty of crap going on in the UN and you’re just adding a little more.

If you’ll be in New York for more than a day you might want to consider visiting other tourist attractions like the Empire State Building, Rockefeller Center, and the Statue of Liberty. That last venue is a particularly good one to infiltrate as liberty, and doing whatever the hell you feel like, is what breaking and entering tourism is all about.