Dear Melinda:

Because you haven’t responded to my phone calls, emails or drone flyovers and, because your recent injunction against me does not apply to snail mail, I thought I would simply send you a letter.

First, I would like to offer my heartfelt condolences for the breakup of your marriage to Bill. But, truthfully, the divorce was a long time in coming. I mean, the fact that you endured 27 years cooped up in a 66,000-square-foot house with this self-absorbed, over analytical Brainiac is beyond heroic. Those of us that have had to struggle with any Microsoft product or its clunky operating system updates wonder how you did it for so long. And all that reading the man does? Boring!

But now a fresh start awaits you. And me. And us!

Yes, I have been happily married for 26 years, but recently my wife and I have carefully looked over our retirement assets, and my future writerly income and we have both concluded that now is the time to add a little spice into our relationship. That’s where you come in.

I have watched you with admiration from afar lo these many years, but never more intensely than in the last week. Your charitable work is exemplary, your vision perceptive and your net worth astronomical. (And, if I am not being too forward, I love what you’ve done with your hair.)

Yet, what is $66 billion without someone to share it with? Without a certain someone who loves you for you, and not because they made poor monetary decisions throughout their entire working life, a certain someone who perhaps chose a free-lance writing career over steady employment and continues to fund his life with several maxed-out credit cards and GoFundMe sites?

But enough about that guy. Let’s talk about us moving forward courageously into that great unknown of five-star resorts, private jets, vacations in Bali and that long-neglected dental work.

Melinda, without hapless Bill in the way, the world is ours to fully enjoy. Here are just a few of my ideas of how together we can make my the world a better place.

I know a guy. Name’s Lenny. He’s a little rough around the edges, might have a drinking problem, but his predictions have been spot on. Lenny currently lives in Nigeria or maybe it’s Malta, Anyhoo, he predicted the Bitcoin boom long before it became a thing. Made hundreds of dollars. He also steered me off my over-exposure in pork bellies and hog futures, and is now promising big returns in hematite mines and in the coming renaissance in eight-track tapes. Lenny is anxious to meet you and to begin transforming your cash in such a way that benefits all of us.

And then there’s my new best friend Sergei, a real mensch. Sergei is one of those worldly guys who speaks as many languages as he holds passports. Don’t let his appearance frighten you. He’s earned every one of those facial tattoos and gold teeth. His IQ hovers around 170, and he has thriving business interests everywhere from Brighton Beach to Nur-Sultan, wherever that is. Oil and gas, and the volatile transport of human capital are his sweet spots. Need a cruise missile? A white rhino? A Van Gogh? Call Sergei.

My guy is also adept at hacking coding. As I write this letter, he is looking over your soon-to-be ex-husband’s personal emails. OMG! In Sergei’s words, “Is bad. Is very bad.” Don’t tell anyone, but Bill might soon have some trouble logging into his server.

But not to worry. As he often boasts, “You trust Sergei like you trust Mother.” Melinda, he is as honest as any post-Soviet Russian operating under the radar in the topsy-turvy international world of finance. I trust him with my life, and so far, knock on birch, I’m still here able to sing his praises.

In summary, I see a bright, new horizon of unlimited opportunities for you, and a much more lucrative secure future for all of us. With your resources idealism and our can’t-miss schemes investments there is nothing we cannot accomplish.

Oh, and one more thing: do you any contact information for MacKenzie Scott? Never mind. Sergei just found it. I tell ya, the man is brilliant!

Stephen J. Lyons is the author of five books of essays and journalism. His most recent book is “West of East.”