Death by Idiom

(A two-character tragedy)

By Martin H. Levinson

Setting

Two guys talking to each other anywhere in America

JOE

Can I be frank with you about Jack?

JIM

Certainly, but I want to be Jed.

JOE

Who’s Jed?

JIM

Somebody I made up.

JOE

Why would you invent a person?

JIM

Because if you can be Frank when you talk to me I don’t see why I can’t be someone else when I talk to you.

JOE

I’m not trying to be another person. When I said, “Can I be frank with you” I was only trying to convey that I wanted to be completely honest with you.

JIM

So, if you don’t say “Can I be frank with you” are you lying to me?

JOE

Of course not. To be honest with you, I always try to be honest with you.

JIM

Why are you doubling down on honesty?

JOE

I’m not doubling down on honesty and, to be perfectly candid, I don’t know why you’d say I was. Let me put it this way, “To tell you the truth, I tell you the truth.”

JIM

All this truth telling is making me sick.

JOE

Why can’t you just accept the idea that I’m a human being who doesn’t like to beat around the bush?

JIM

Except for hunters, gardeners, and maybe Al Gore, no one likes beating around bushes. You’re a pretty weird guy, Joe.

JOE

Label me anyway you like but the fact is I’m always upfront when I engage in conversations.

JIM

Upfront? Are you saying that the folks seated closest to the stage are sincere while those sitting at the rear of the hall are not? Do you think individuals who can afford front row seats have a corner on verisimilitude?

JOE

That’s not what I am saying. I’m saying that when I talk to people I am open and above-board. It makes me sad that you’re so skeptical and suspicious.

JIM

I think anybody would be suspicious of a person talking about being above an imaginary board. Would the board whack you for telling a falsehood if you slipped below it? I beg you, please stop giving me gobbledygook.

JOE

I’m not giving you gobbledygook. I’m giving you the real deal.

JIM

So now we’re playing cards! What kind of moron resorts to games of chance to convince another person of their honesty!

JOE

What if I say I am giving you the real truth? Do you like that any better?

JIM

No! Is there a difference between the “real truth” and the “phony truth?” Truth is truth.

JOE

That’s true which is why, as a person who reveres and cherishes the truth, I always speak straight from the shoulder.

JIM

Is that where your mouth is, below your neck and at the beginning of your arm? What sort of idiot do you take me for! How about telling me the truth from the two-lipped orifice on your face!

JOE

That’s what I’ve been doing and I think at the end of the day, when you reflect on what I’ve been saying, you’ll realize that.

JIM

It’s now five pm. The sun goes down at seven. We’ll see how I feel then.

JOE

That’s fine with me. And I mean that in all sincerity.

JIM

I can’t stand this! Shoot me now!

JOE

Is that a genuine, honest to God, wholehearted, beyond a shadow of a doubt request?

(Jim pulls out a gun, the stage goes dark, a shot is heard)