by Alexandra Regueiro

Hey, stranger.

How have you been? Hungry, I assume. You left your pack of M&Ms in the bottom drawer of your desk. I imagine you’re still eating dry chicken with a side of disillusion for lunch while you’re working from home, yes?

It’s been two whole months and not a word from you. Not that I expected one, of course.

I’m lonely, bored and in desperate need of sunlight, but what I’m not is surprised that you wouldn’t have the decency to reach out.

This is different for us, you know. It’s not like when you took that cruise with your friends to the Bahamas or when you got a “cold” after Sunday brunch two weeks in a row. Funny how your excuses never involve a romantic getaway. Even in your lies, you’re single. Ha.

It’s different this time. Nobody is here. Well, Kyle is here. I was thinking the only thing he was “essential” for was clogging the men’s room toilet and being the butt of every joke we make, but I guess Corporate America would disagree.

Remember how much we used to laugh before this? We had some good laughs, didn’t we? Like when you said you knew how to work on Photoshop and were given an assignment you couldn’t complete- Oh! Oh! Or when you messed up on that report and almost got fired? Good stuff, but in retrospect, those might’ve not been as funny to you.

I’m hearing things about a pandemic? What is going on, Human?

You never clue me in on anything, I swear. No wonder Patty from HR said those hurtful things about you while you were gone.

This Coronavirus thing though. Crazy. Us plants, we know how to respect boundaries. Like, you wouldn’t see me rubbing up on some cactus from Accounting or anything like that. So, like, I, personally, wouldn’t have to worry about wearing a mask inside the grocery store.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I miss you.

I miss your caked up face at 8:30 a.m., your breath post-morning coffee, your greasy face at 2:00 p.m. and well, basically just your presence, Human!

So, uh, listen, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I’m like, super thirsty. I know I don’t need water all the time, but I feel like I might, I don’t know, die or something if you don’t come back. I was moved to the ICU (the window next to your bosses desk), by a very considerate custodian that smelled like salami, yet I’m afraid I’m still rather frail.

To not waste anymore of your very precious time, let me give it to you straight. If you’ve been meaning to drop by to pick up a few things, please consider picking me up and treating me with the respect I deserve. That is unless you want to find me, the beautiful thing you stare at to get you through the workday; your most valued desk accessory, in cold blood.

I am your responsibility after all.

I think working from home would be very good for us, actually! I can hang out with you, your cat I assume and all the bland clothing in your closet. It’ll be great!

This is urgent, by the way.

Can’t wait to see you!

Yours Truly,

The Succulent You Left For Dead

Alexandra Regueiro has watched the 2019 hit film “A Star Is Born” starring Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper over 20 individual times, sings the songs from the film at the top her lungs in the shower and can be often be caught imagining a parallel universe in which she plays Gaga’s role and wins an Academy Award for her performance. Apart from that, Alexandra is a graduate from the University of Florida’s College of Journalism and Communications and was a contributing writer for the university’s unofficial newspaper, The Independent Florida Alligator. Alexandra works in marketing and public relations and resides in Miami, Florida where she spends most of her time staring at herself in every mirror she passes by.  Alexandra has a keen interest in fashion, film, television and the spelling difference between theatre and theater. Follow Alexandra on Instagram and Twitter @nanaregg