We Didn’t Send Our Best People (We Sent Criminals And Rapists [Sorry {Not Sorry}])

One of the things my priest therapist did say, during our many sessions after the mass suicide of the Indians, which I thought was helpful actually, was that even though I, Christopher Columbus, the Admiral of the Ocean Sea, was the commander of the Europeans I brought and I was also the commander of the Indians that I conquered, and I had demanded that title and I fulfilled that title very well, the best it could have been fulfilled, I also couldn’t control everything that happened in my purview, the priest counselor said that, while he was working with me on my perfectionism and control issues, and he had practically said that it wasn’t my fault, truly, I was not to blame whatsoever, don’t even think that, why would you think that, for the fact that many of my men were criminals who raped the Indians.

All I can say about that is that I hired the best people, the best people that were available to me at the time, and I mean, it was not easy to find people to risk their lives to sail to Asia, when most people believed it was impossible because it was so far, even though it wasn’t, or at least not for me, and so a lot of times we had to hire criminals and get them early releases from prison, which was a tremendous procedural pain in the buttocks for one thing and also an enormously controversial thing for another, the pardons, because many of them were supposed to be in prison for life, if not set to be killed on death row for their horrendous crimes, some of the worst crimes ever committed, and also this prison forgiveness program wasn’t even my idea, it was the progressive Pinzón Brothers’ proposal, which they snuck past my better judgment, because they were sneaky and they were very progressive-minded, and that was a very bad thing, their progressiveness, for many people were raped because of their progressivism, because they said that these criminals were fine, they were fine, OK, they were misunderstood, they were good guys, that’s what they said, really snide and short like that, that’s how they talked, the Pinzón Brothers, not me, and even when I pointed out later how bad they were, the criminals they made me pardon, they were only like, OK, I disavow them, we disavow them, even though I could tell they didn’t disavow them, in the way that they said, I disavow them, we disavow them, OK, what do you want from us, the Pinzón Brothers, that’s how they said it, really grossly, right, you see what I’m saying about them, and their progressivism, and at the time I trusted those brothers, they had come very highly recommended from the sovereigns, who I respected greatly, I really did, I don’t just say that, and also, frankly, it was a political decision more than anything, my hands were kind of tied, if I wanted the title and ships, I had to have the Pinzón Brothers as part of my staff, my cabinet of “trusted advisors,” ha, what a hoot that is, but no, I never trusted them, not even from the beginning, the Pinzón Brothers, and I didn’t respect the sovereigns very much either, or at all, frankly, I just needed their money, and the Pinzón Brothers later tried to mutiny me, even though I incepted the idea of mutiny in their weak progressive brains in order to then show everyone how powerful I was by stopping them just in the nick of time, they still tried to mutiny me, with the criminals that they convinced me to pardon and hire.

And I’ve often been told that the buck should’ve stopped with me, the Admiral of the Ocean Sea, but I would say, in my defense, though I don’t think one is necessary, and I’ve been told by many other people, that this whole thing isn’t such a big deal, it happened with the Romans and the Greeks, the raping, and also a lot of pillaging, and also in Asia with the Mongols, who were the people I discovered themselves, the people that my men later raped and pillaged themselves, and so, you see, it’s a circular thing, and it will happen again, with other great countries, in the future, even ones that think they are perfect exemplars of good government and behavior, I’m sure of it, and so the point is: the buck that everyone always talks about, it was taken up on land, before we left, by the progressive Pinzón Brothers, and not on the ocean sea, and it was thus outside of my jurisdiction, as Admiral of the Ocean Sea, and so it was definitely not my fault how it didn’t stop, the raping buck.

One thing I should also say is that though many of the people who immigrated with me were very bad and should never have been let into this country, I did pardon them again, my men, the criminals and the rapists, as I had hope that maybe they’d have children who weren’t criminals and rapists, and maybe we’d just forget their forebears, and think of the descendants in the new land as a great people, so great a people that we’d just think of them as the people of the land, and we would then protect those people from any other bad people that might try to get into the land, because we would have learned our lesson about letting in criminals and rapists, which is that you can’t do that, you need to do anything you can to not let them in, because I saw what they did, it was not good, so I would break any laws of the land, definitely any progressive ones, in order to stop that, and that’s how I would run a country of the good descendants of the criminals and rapists, and I would call it: The United People of Columbus.

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Editor’s Note: This piece is excerpted from the new book, FAKE HISTORY!, available now from Amazon, just in time for Columbus Day!