Satires

Trump and Kim: The Unedited Transcript

Wednesday, June 13th, 2018

Published 6 years ago - Jonathan Zimmerman

“Trump to meet KJU one-one-one with only interpreters. An unacceptable danger to US national security . . .NSC should have TRANSCRIPT of all interactions with brutal, nuclear armed dictator.”—Retired U.S. Army general Barry McCaffrey on Twitter, June 11

Trump: What up, Rocket Man? (Laughs)

KJU: Hey, Mentally Deranged Dotard! (Laugh together)

Trump: I’m a very stable genius. And my button is bigger, and it works.

KJU: I still love that line! (More laughter)

Trump: OK, let’s get down to business. I brought you a special video, on a cassette.

KJU: What’s a cassette? In the People’s Paradise, we have digitized everything.

Trump: Always have to be the wise guy, don’t you? Here, have a look. (Taps on I-Pad.)

KJU: Is this a science fiction movie? Come to think of it, this whole meeting feels like a science fiction movie.

Trump: Enough. Just look.

KJU (Squinting at I-Pad): I see clouds, smiling children, a guy dunking a basketball . . . Wait, is that Dennis Rodman?

Trump: No, he’s giving a weepy interview to CNN right now. Such a crybaby! Glad I fired him on “Celebrity Apprentice.”

KJU: He said I’m “awesome.” Now that’s awesome.

Trump: Whatever. Hey, do you want to see “The Beast”?

KJU: Another movie? Is that the one where I get assassinated? (Laughs.)

Trump: No, it’s my limo!

KJU: Maybe later. Let’s sign this agreement already.

Trump: Hold on, we have an agreement? What does it say?

KJU: Nothing, really.

Trump: OK, then, bring out the pens!

KJU: My sister won’t let me use your pen. She thinks that maybe it’s poisoned.

Trump: And here I thought I was the hygiene freak! I’ve got nothing on you.

KJU: Damned straight you don’t. Hey, is it cool to ask you to stop those war games?

Trump: Done deal. Just don’t stab me in the back, like Justin Trudeau did.

KJU: I can’t stand that pretty boy! (Laugh together.)

Trump: Look, let’s get serious for a second. You’ve got some amazing beaches. I could build the best hotels in the world there.

KJU: What is it with you and hotels? Enough with the hotels!

Trump: You can never have enough hotels.

KJU: The place I’m staying here in Singapore, you wouldn’t believe it.

Trump: I bet my place is nicer. And bigger, like my button.

KJU: The button again! (Laugh together.)

Trump: Come on, let’s do a photo-op. Everybody has to look nice and handsome and thin and perfect.

KJU: Thin? Have you looked in the mirror lately?

Trump: Hey, you’re not exactly a stick figure these days.

KJU: True dat! (Laugh together.)

Trump: I’m getting your touch, your feel. I think we’re going to have an excellent relationship.

KJU: Me, too. But could you please take your hand off my arm?

Jonathan Zimmerman teaches education and history at the University of Pennsylvania. He is the author (with Emily Robertson) of “The Case for Contention: Teaching Controversial Issues in American Schools” (University of Chicago Press)

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