By Lew Tucker

18 May 2016

NEW YORK – In a recent “make-up nice” interview with Megyn Kelly Donald Trump observed of Digong, the current presumptive President-elect of the Philippines, “I mean you’ve got to admire a man who can publicly say, ‘Pope, son of a whore, go home. Do not visit us again.’ I have often had similar thoughts about the Pontiff. You’ve got to give to the guy—Digong’s got ‘schlong.’ It’s guys like Digong, Volodoya [Putin’s nickname—when translated to English it means Volodoya] and me who are going to make this world great again! But first I need a cool nick name—any suggestions can be tweeted to @realdonaldtrump.”

“Back to Digong though. I tell you Megyn, this man, who has Mexican ancestors, is a giant (which shows I’m no racist) and will do things for his country that even Clint Eastwood would have had a hard time accomplishing. For example, on law and order, in a recent stump speech he told the felons that I’ll dump all of you into Manila Bay, and fatten all the fish there.’ These are the kind of no nonsense policies that I would like to pursue when elected—but we can use the upper New York Bay, near Ellis Island, to save money, but I think his vow to dump 100,000 criminals is a bit modest,” said Trump. “We can do better.”

“And Megyn—by the way is that a nickname or just a poser spelling? Anyway, on foreign policy, although our issues with the guys who call me “Chuanpu*” are very different (we have no beef on who owns Staten Island), but I similarly will not jet ski to China to confront the devious, conniving rapists. In fact, I vow right here and now that I will never, ever Jet Ski to any foreign country to parley with our free loading allies or enemies. This is the kind of policy that the President of the United States has to implement to make “America Great Again.” In this regard, I will work indefatigably to raise tariffs and undermine and/or ban or the global production of jet skis. So Megyn, God bless Digong, Voldoya, me (I can’t wait to get a cool nick name) and all you guys!

* 唐床破 or Chuanpu actually translates via the Google Translator into Chuanpu in English, but further research suggests it loosely means “funny douchebag.”

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Lewis R. Tucker holds a PhD in marketing and a BS in management from the Pennsylvania State University and an MBA from Columbia University. He taught at St. Mary’s University, University of Connecticut, Clark University and the University of Hartford, Sultan Qaboos University, the American University of Sharjah and Capella University. His primary interests are in Marketing Management, Global Marketing and Marketing Social Responsibility and Ethics. His work experience includes product management for First National City Bank and service as an officer in the US Army. Finally, he has consulted for a number of companies and obtained numerous research grants.