By Dan Geddes

ATLANTA– A recent CNN poll of American citizens found that a solid majority (72%) believes that “the United States of America is still the greatest democracy in the world.”

Most poll respondents were clearly favorable toward American democracy. Their comments included:

“We’re definitely number 1.”

“We are the greatest country on earth. No question about it.”

“America is the greatest country I’ve ever seen.”

“All other countries just suck. Except Israel.”

“Even if other countries are better, we are still the greatest.”

“You mean: there are other countries?”

“America can kick the shit out of any other countries’ democracies. They’re just losers.”

“USA! USA!”

Most would agree. However, a few marginal critics of American democracy, such as Michael Moore, believe that exit poll deviations from official results prove that American elections are sometimes fraudulent. Moore has even called for UN supervision of US elections.

Yet the CNN poll showed that 66.6% also agreed with the statement: “Exit polls are an insult to American democracy and a total waste of time.”

So just how did America create a better democracy than all other countries on the planet?

Dr. Henry Katz, professor at Langley University, author of American Exceptionalism Explained, explained:

“First, you could say we literally have more democracy than in other countries. We have the longest, most expensive Presidential campaign cycles in history—almost two years of saturation coverage in all media. None of our European allies even comes close to that. The amount of time and money America puts into our Presidential campaigns proves our greater dedication and love of the democratic process.”

Katz also pointed out that after two years of campaigning, voters really get to know these candidates on a personal level.

“For many people, Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders has even been their favorite TV character since mid 2015−with daily coverage in Trump’s case. The sixteen other Republican nominees were a dazzling array of the most accomplished statesmen and candidates that have ever been produced by the American body politic, with political geniuses such as Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, and Donald Trump, putting past great orators as Abraham Lincoln, Franklyn Roosevelt, and Ronald Reagan to shame.”

US allies across the world agreed with the CNN poll that American democracy was clearly the best.

France’s Permanent Under-Secretary to the Voice of America, Jean Monnet, stated: “We are amazed by the shining example of the American Republic. We only wish that our own pathetic little democracy in France could function as smoothly and fairly. Two-hundred-and-forty years and still going strong! We learn from you every day. Viva America!” [sic].

A former Vice President of the Ford Foundation vacationing in Berlin, speaking on behalf of Germany, agreed: “My grandfather died fighting the Germans in World War II so that I would have the right to vote. I will not allow the internal enemies of America to question the unrivalled supremacy of American democracy.”

Dali Duchamps, a spokesman for the Center for International Artists agreed: “Even if I have to stand in line for 6 hours to vote, and I am only given a provisional ballot that may well be thrown into the garbage by some underprivileged election worker, if there’s even a chance that my vote for Hillary Clinton will count in some way, I think it’s well worth it. Even if she does provoke a war with Russia.”

Whoever starts the next world war, it’s clear that America is still the greatest democracy in the world.

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Dan Geddes is the editor of The Satirist. In addition to satire, Geddes’ serious criticism in The Satirist online has been widely cited in books, English courses, academic papers, newspapers, and websites.