The Satirist - November 2000 News
Democrats Don’t Love Families As Much, says GOP Candidate
JEFFERSON, VIRGINIA—Herbert Henry, a Republican candidate for the Jefferson, Virginia City Council delivered a speech to supporters last week, in which he declared that "The Democrats don’t love your families as much as I do."
"I’m a Republican. Everybody knows that Republicans are more pro-family. We’re the pro-family party," Henry told a gathering of 25 loyal supporters.
"Would a Republican abort a child? Would a Republican spare the life of a man who killed your child? No way. The Democrats are just a bunch of liberals. Families, and people from families, should vote Republican," Henry concluded.
The "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Man March Draws Millions to DC, Ends In Disaster
WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to rekindle interest in the "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" television show, the ABC television network sponsored the "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Man March last week in Washington, DC.
ABC aired advertisements for several weeks before the event, encouraging "all people who want to be millionaires to join us in Washington for this historic event." The march, held last Sunday, drew an estimated two million people to Washington’s National Mall, according to the Nielsen company. Some marchers carried signs reading: "We Want To Be Millionaires Too" and "Equal Millions for All."
After circling the Capitol and the White House, the procession gathered around the Washington Monument, where ABC constructed a temporary "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" set. Although "Millionaire" host Regis Philbin was unable to attend, former television star and puppet Howdy Doody proved an able stand-in.
As the hours wore on, the audience grew restless that no player had won $1 million. The very last contestant, however, Hans Van Richter of Westchester County, New York, answered a series of unusually easy questions, including "What is the main alcohol mixed into a gin martini?" As the balloons showered him from the Washington Monument, Howdy Doody asked: "How does it feel to be a Millionaire?" Mr. Van Richter confessed he was "already a millionaire." An angry mob charged the Monument, and Mr. Van Richter and Mr. Doody were forced to seek shelter in the world’s largest freestanding stone obelisk. The National Park Service finally dispersed the mob by dropping a shower of Monopoly™ money on Pennsylvania Avenue.
Gore "Too Knowledgeable" For Highest Office, Bush Better Dinner Companion, Poll Finds
NEW YORK—A recent NBC/New York Times poll found that 42% of likely voters find Vice President Al Gore "too knowledgeable" for the highest office in the land. In contrast, Governor George W. Bush was found "too knowledgeable" by only 7% of likely voters.
The poll was given to 823 adults who answered their telephones between the hours of 11:00 p.m. and 1:00 a.m. on weeknights. Respondents were asked: "Do you feel that [Al Gore /George W. Bush ] is too knowledgeable, too much of a know-it-all, to be President?"
Governor Bush, however, scored much higher in the follow-up question: "With which Presidential Candidate would you like to sit waist-high in gravy and eat pork rinds?" receiving an impressive 53% of the vote. Pat Buchanan scored second, receiving 20% of the vote, to Nader’s 14% and Gore’s abysmal 13%. In an attempt to improve his rating, Gore recently appeared in a Nashville, Tennessee VFW hall seated in a large vat of chicken broth, and invited concerned citizens to join him for pork rinds and political discussion.
Governor Bush Reiterates that Capital Punishment is the Ultimate Punishment
AUSTIN, TEXAS—"What more do you want? I mean we’ve killed them all. Killed them dead. You can’t punish them anymore than that," stated Governor Bush, when asked his opinion on capital punishment as practiced in ancient Mesopotamia circa 2500 B.C.
Gore To Trot Out Clinton To Rally Indifferent Voters
WASHINGTON, DC—Looking for an advantage in his tight Presidential campaign race with Governor George Bush, Vice President Al Gore today announced that President Clinton would begin campaigning on his behalf.
"Apparently some people don’t understand that President Clinton is for me in this election," said Gore. "Not for Bush. But I think after the President makes some appearances on my behalf the people will understand where he stands, and decide to vote for me."
Gore’s announcement led to a 1% spike in his approval ratings. One undecided voter, Cary McNeill of Schenectady, New York exclaimed: "Clinton? I like Clinton. You mean he’s for Gore. Oh, then I’ll vote for Gore."
