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Yoko Ono. Heather Mills. Yoko Ono Lennon. Heather Mills-McCartney. Two women. Two Beatles. Who knew? Just remember – everyone – even the allegedly sycophantic, royally aspirational, need someone to look up to.
"America's fullness is a bad fullness; an emptiness. America is full of emptiness, because it is too full of fullness. It is even empty of emptiness—but in the bad way."
There are plenty of other special-interest groups that could be formed—Stupid-Americans, Fat-Americans, Angry-Americans, American-Elitists—and I believe they should be formed.
The following translation of an ancient Roman papyrus scroll recently unearthed by the distinguished Harvard archeologist Dr. Reid Bologna gives historical evidence as to the actual generosity of the NFL settlement.
As boring as a three hour black and white film with subtitles containing a total of three shots of the same three speed bicycle sitting outside a café in the rain.
Dr. Lana Amene developed a device about the size of a Smartphone that could be directed at a person, or persons, and when activated cause them to spontaneously evacuate their bowels.
"When the union strongly suggested we shun someone, I volunteered right away. Organized passive aggression?? This I understand!"
When pressed as to why he ever agreed to appear at the event, Scalise said that he thought he was going to be speaking at a conference of the ARLU, which is the Ayn Rand Liberties Union.
Though generally believed to be caused by changes of density and pressure in the Earth’s crust, GOP leaders say they are outraged that the President allowed such a thing to happen on American soil.
Voltaire retired to Wandsworth for a few months to brush up on his English so that he could chat with Pope, who usually talked in couplets.
Rupert Murdoch has confessed that The FOX News he initially envisioned was a 24-hour news parody satirizing America’s increasingly reactionary right-wing.
The new disorders show the willingness of American psychiatry to see psychiatric disorders for what they are: renewable sources of billable hours.
(including Santa Claus and Sinterklaas comparison table.)
Greg Shapiro talks with Dan Geddes about The Satirist, digital privacy, Facebook, and Google.
I Wanna Hold Your Head, Shia Loves You and other classic hits
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want–to talk to liberals.
The IRS stated that: Corporate persons generate far more jobs than unincorporated persons (so-called individuals), and thus are far more important to the economy.
Obama says ISIL, the Media ISIS. / Both sides agree that the world's in a crisis. / ISIL! ISIS! SCHMISIL! SCHMISIS! / Let’s call the whole thing off.
OMG! Did you hear? Potomac/Beltway VIPs are texting like crazy. Some are even phoning. This is a scoop of all scoops, hot and heavy with anger, as well as sex.
The first time I lost a kid, I felt real bad about it.
This decision will open the doors to other companies who will shed costly employee benefit programs by trusting in God instead.
Together, these three new passwords should form a complete sentence, with effective punctuation, proper capitalization, and at least one number divisible by three. Show your work.
"It would be healthy for the economy."
Billions of football fans across the world are incredibly happy about the month-long distraction from serious news during the World Cup tournament.
Robin Williams photo credit: Dan Dion
In Set List, comics get topics thrown at them sans script. Instead of going on stage with a set list containing one's time-tested jokes, comics receive the topics for their comedy set at the same moment the audience sees them.
This paper uses analogies to establish visualized connections between football and citation analysis as used to compute impact factor in academic publishing.
Once upon a past millennium, a group of North American Beavers who lived in the Upper Forest got together every year for their widely broadcast awards show.
"Above a vast new expanse of flat skin between his eyes and mouth, he’s telling us our noses will be next to go."
The atheist is my enemy, he knows nothing.
The Grand Budapest Hotel is one of Wes Anderson's best movies.
Printing more U.S. dollars out of thin air is the only hope for the world economy.
Why do I marvel when the faithless stray, / when friends whom I supposed completely safe / against belief go falling for a god?
Eurovision will still be broadcast in Russia, so that Russia will be envious of this glorious European tradition from which they have now been justly excluded.
The NSA has reportedly been overwhelmed by requests for copies of lost data from desperate individuals whose computer hard drives have crashed.
Death to adjectives, adverbs, verbs-to-be, colons, semi-colons, the second person, ellipses, exclamatories, passives, pariphrastics; i before e except after c. But not always.
"I love football so much that I thought I would rather donate to the NFL than the Red Cross...What has the Red Cross done lately?"
"No, they tell us, poets are just 'producing text.' / Egad! Can we survive beneath that hex?"
The delegates to the annual World Economic Forum (WEF) insist that they are not an out-of-touch elite, but are actually unappreciated servants of humanity.
A Would-Be Bob Dylan Struggles With Anonymity
A 1984 for Our Time
"I used old maps—not GPS./ I got lost near France…or Siam."
"all smart investors seek the cutting edge; / the marketplace willl always let them know / which areas of suffering will grow.
Russell Shorto cherry-picks the most interesting characters and events from his research into the city's history.
Thomas Pynchon's funniest book!
Woody Allen's Streetcar Named Desire
Syria has been secretly fostering its own special brand of pop kitsch in a desperate bid to win Eurovision and thus humanize their people before a global audience and perhaps stave off a US-led NATO drone attack.
Despite an enjoyable summer in elite resorts, the world's political and economic leaders are planning to resume screwing up the world again in early September.
"Now we have discovered markers that indicate whether an individual is likely to spend his limited days on this earth inhaling cannabis smoke and afterwards compulsively eating snack foods and laughing at stupid movies."
For many Apple consumers, the long delay between product releases from the Cupertino, California hardware giant is proving harmful to their emotional well-being.
Let me clear. We are only permitted to attack US banks on US soil with attack drones if we receive prior authorization from the US Federal Reserve Bank.
Several of Zed's Facebook Friends have taken the time Like his Funeral page. A few have even added Comments including Condolences, Zed's dead, and Sorry Dude!
Saint EU is the first international organization to advance to sainthood. The Church waived the rule that prevents the process of canonization from beginning until five years after a candidate's death.
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If the recent leaks about the US government's surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.
"Somebody, somewhere, could just throw a switch, and we would all be mind-controlled. That's why I usually wear this tin-foil hat."
A new coterie of health experts are forging ahead with what is being called the self-punishment movement
Converting shopping malls into prisons could be a good solution for the U.S. economy!
The Third Leg sees Irving recycle his familiar themes.
Disney creates a beautifully animated rendition of the Biblical apocalypse.
Was one of the most influential philosophers of our time an audacious plagiarist?
See all Satires
The philosopher Zeno tries to get to a whorehouse. Can he ever get there?
"I was greatly upset as I read your last FAX,
that I owed many thousands of dollars in tax,"
See all Poems
A young man attempts to achieve meaningful human contact with an eclectic set of people in a Florida bar.
Inside the Occupy movement.
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Freedom — Jonathan Franzen. Franzen solidifies his reputation with a worthy follow-up to The Corrections
The Handmaid's Tale — Margaret Atwood. Negative Utopia as Polemic: Handmaid unabashedly places itself in the negative utopian tradition, and may have heralded the beginning of a new genre: the feminist negative utopia (or dystopia).
J.D. Salinger. Future generations may never understand the unique affection Salinger's readers felt for Salinger and his characters.
See all Fiction reviews and essays
The Genealogy of Morals — Friedrich Nietzsche. Nietzsche's greatest work, featuring sustained arguments rather than incisive fragments.
Man's Search for Meaning — Viktor Frankl. Frankl's Logotherapy School (discovering our purpose heals us) was inspired by Frankl's own experience as a concentration camp survivor.
See all Philosophy reviews and essays
The Book of J — Harold Bloom. Genesis is great literature, not the intended foundation of world religions.
The Gnostic Gospels — Elaine Pagels. Controversial history of early Christianity
See all Religion reviews and essays
The Anxiety of Influence — Harold Bloom. Only strong poets can overcome this anxiety of influence; lesser lights become derivative flatterers and never achieve poetic immortality for themselves.
The Conquest of Cool — Thomas Frank. 1960s Counterculture as unwitting shill for Madison Avenue. Were the Sixties a fraud?
See all Criticism reviews and essays
Nixonland — Rick Perlstein. Colorful, electric chronicle of the political history of 1964-72, and the Nixonian comeback (and repression).
Modern Times — Paul Johnson. An engaging portrait of the giant political figures during the 20th century, the age of moral relativism.
See all History reviews and essays
The Big Lebowski (1998). Lebowski remains the Coen brothers' funniest movie.
Citizen Kane (1941). Orson Welles' classic satire about Hearst and media sensationalism is not the greatest movie of all time.
Groundhog Day (1993). Harold Ramis's It's a Wonderful Life.
Pulp Fiction (1994). Pulp Fiction gives us violence in broad daylight, hip dialogue and circular structure.
See all Film reviews and essays
Smoking as Religion describes the similarities between smoking and religion.
Gossip as Social Currency Gossip is a form of legal tender, a social coinage we enjoy spending or saving as we would any other form of currency. To hear gossip is like finding coins in the street. "I can use this later," you may think as someone tells you something, in a whispered hush, or from a quiet place.
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How to survive the Dutch winter - Darkness. Rain. Punishing winds. Gray skies. “Oh God, when will it end?” These are some of the words that come to mind when thinking of Dutch winters.
Learning Dutch describes one man's fledgling efforts to master the Dutch tongue.
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